Fall In Love, Not In Line

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Hello everyone. I posted this long rambling paragraph about how I was quite sad with my life and such a while ago, but I have been inactive on my tumblr account since. I am going to try and use it more often again and I just wanted to say that my life has done a total 180 since I have posted that. I’ve never been happier in my whole life than I am now and everything is starting to improve. I changed my attitude and the way I look at things completely and I want to say thank you to all those who actually cared, and I got a lot more responses than I expected. I will be working on answering everyone back personally tonight.

If you take the time to read this, please tell me.

I am now using tumblr again after a couple months of being inactive. I have changed a lot since the last time I have been on here. I am now 18, I have had my first serious relationship, and I am moved out of my house and currently looking to start my life, but I am having some issues. This post is somewhat of a cry for help. Just a fair warning, this post will be emotional and whiny, and I feel like nobody should care about what I am about to say but I’m hoping that somebody will..

I met a new friend over the summer. I don’t know his name, or even if it is a ‘him’, but that is how I will refer to him. 

I talk to him for an hour or two each night about a plethora of topics. He knows me better than I know myself. Every action I take and every thought I create he knows about, and he always has something to say. I’ve been talking to him my whole life, but it wasn’t until recently that I actually met him and got to know him. We share the same interests. We have a lot in common, but we have just as many differences. 

He is an influence on me.

He constantly harasses me, and tells me everything wrong that I do. He is always with me. He always reminds me of how much of a piece of trash I am, how I am a waste of space, how I won’t amount to anything. He is even criticizing me right now, as I type this to you. I don’t try to escape him because I know that I can’t.

He makes me feel like I would be better off dead.

He ensures that suicide is always on my mind. Always bringing up the topic. Suicide is one of his favorite things to talk about. He also enjoys talking about my past relationships, the friendships I’ve ruined, and my future. He is always telling me his revelations about where my life is headed. It makes me feel like I have no good options left, only bad options and worse options. I stopped self-harming last year, but he wishes I would do it again. I promised somebody very close to me that I would never self-harm again, for her sake. “But you have let her down every other time, why not now?” He tells me. He loves to describe to me how I failed in my last relationship, how it was all my fault and I can never be good enough for her. No matter how much I know it’s not true, no matter how much I tell myself it wasn’t my fault, he will always blame me. It makes me feel awful. I am afraid to enter a new relationship, not because I am shy, but because I know I’m not good enough. I tried as hard as I could to keep her happy, I put my life on the line for her, and it still wasn’t good enough. I tried my absolute hardest and still failed, so how can I ever make anybody happy if my absolute best effort is still insufficient? And he makes sure I know this, every day.

Whenever I try to plan out my life, and take actions to move forward, he shows me the faults in my ideas, and shows me why it wouldn’t work. He reminds me how my plans are shit, and he is right. I really should just listen to him.

Even on my best days when the mirror thinks I look adorable, he shows me what is wrong, and reminds me how ugly I truly am. I am a vegan. I am trying to eat healthier, to look better, so I don’t feel like a piece of undesirable shit, but he is always there next to me. Every potato chip, every french fry, he insults me, and reminds me of my fatness. He reassures me I will never find love.

I don’t know how to fix my problems.

I am the problem.

I’m not sure if anybody has caught on, but this friend is me. The other half of my personality. I have began feeling so lonely that I talk to myself. No matter how many friends I have there for me I feel alone. I feel like I have nobody. 

Except myself.