I am now using tumblr again after a couple months of being inactive. I have changed a lot since the last time I have been on here. I am now 18, I have had my first serious relationship, and I am moved out of my house and currently looking to start my life, but I am having some issues. This post is somewhat of a cry for help. Just a fair warning, this post will be emotional and whiny, and I feel like nobody should care about what I am about to say but I’m hoping that somebody will..
I met a new friend over the summer. I don’t know his name, or even if it is a ‘him’, but that is how I will refer to him.
I talk to him for an hour or two each night about a plethora of topics. He knows me better than I know myself. Every action I take and every thought I create he knows about, and he always has something to say. I’ve been talking to him my whole life, but it wasn’t until recently that I actually met him and got to know him. We share the same interests. We have a lot in common, but we have just as many differences.
He is an influence on me.
He constantly harasses me, and tells me everything wrong that I do. He is always with me. He always reminds me of how much of a piece of trash I am, how I am a waste of space, how I won’t amount to anything. He is even criticizing me right now, as I type this to you. I don’t try to escape him because I know that I can’t.
He makes me feel like I would be better off dead.
He ensures that suicide is always on my mind. Always bringing up the topic. Suicide is one of his favorite things to talk about. He also enjoys talking about my past relationships, the friendships I’ve ruined, and my future. He is always telling me his revelations about where my life is headed. It makes me feel like I have no good options left, only bad options and worse options. I stopped self-harming last year, but he wishes I would do it again. I promised somebody very close to me that I would never self-harm again, for her sake. “But you have let her down every other time, why not now?” He tells me. He loves to describe to me how I failed in my last relationship, how it was all my fault and I can never be good enough for her. No matter how much I know it’s not true, no matter how much I tell myself it wasn’t my fault, he will always blame me. It makes me feel awful. I am afraid to enter a new relationship, not because I am shy, but because I know I’m not good enough. I tried as hard as I could to keep her happy, I put my life on the line for her, and it still wasn’t good enough. I tried my absolute hardest and still failed, so how can I ever make anybody happy if my absolute best effort is still insufficient? And he makes sure I know this, every day.
Whenever I try to plan out my life, and take actions to move forward, he shows me the faults in my ideas, and shows me why it wouldn’t work. He reminds me how my plans are shit, and he is right. I really should just listen to him.
Even on my best days when the mirror thinks I look adorable, he shows me what is wrong, and reminds me how ugly I truly am. I am a vegan. I am trying to eat healthier, to look better, so I don’t feel like a piece of undesirable shit, but he is always there next to me. Every potato chip, every french fry, he insults me, and reminds me of my fatness. He reassures me I will never find love.
I don’t know how to fix my problems.
I am the problem.
I’m not sure if anybody has caught on, but this friend is me. The other half of my personality. I have began feeling so lonely that I talk to myself. No matter how many friends I have there for me I feel alone. I feel like I have nobody.
An interesting vision for vertical farming.
Architect Vincent Callebaut’s take on vertical farming is as interesting to look at as it is beneficial.
About the project:
The cities are currently responsible for 75% of the worldwide consumption of energy and they reject 80% of worldwide emissions of CO2. The contemporary urban model is thus ultra-energy consuming and works on the importation of wealth and natural resources on the one hand, and on the exportation of the pollution and waste on the other hand. This loop of energetic flows can be avoided by repatriating the countryside and the farming production modes in the heart of the city by the creation of green lungs, farmscrapers in vertical storeys and by the implantation of wind and solar power stations. The production sites of food and energy resources will be thus reintegrated in the heart of the consumption sites ! The buildings with positive energies must become the norm and reduce the carbon print on the mid term.